This is a really strange post, I guess. It’s 3am and I probably have covid and I will tell my coworkers/family in the morning. One hour ago I felt really scared and uncomfortable. Fever was high, 100F, and I don’t remember the last time I had a fever at all. (5+ years maybe?) It felt really bad. But 2 tylenols later I feel really good. Just can’t sleep but otherwise great.
I wanted to write things for a while but struggled for 4 years to come up with things to write about and to overcome my cringe. The argument that popped into my head today was that I’m losing brain plasticity so at 26 if I don’t start I’ll lose the ability to get good at writing. This is why I started learning piano a year ago. Finally an argument that convinced me to write something and I wanted to seize the moment and do it before I fell asleep and forgot.
My sister is a really good writer and has been writing occasionally for a few years. I don’t know what about or where she puts it. Hopefully it’s going well.
I quit using Twitter in September and partly it was because of this cringe of writing stuff. I didn’t want to waste people’s time and attention if I didn’t have something valuable to add. So I’m hoping that if I write posts here, they won’t get much attention. Then I won’t feel bad for wasting people’s time, and more importantly feel less cringe. Random SHA-256 hash title to make it seem less interesting and make fewer people click it:
>>> import hashlib
>>> h = hashlib.sha256()
>>> h.update('3am today writing a post')
>>> print(h.hexdigest())
76402f0b5b04c5e6203e011bf7da0222ae418e45d9513ed9ffeff77bcc8ef306
Btw I’m not editing anything, that’s part of how I convinced myself to write this. Do you remember an editor that had a “Hemingway mode” that disabled backspace or erasing/editing? That was the inspiration. I have no idea how legit that idea is or if people actually follow it. (Technically I am editing but only going back 2-3 words for typos etc., not full sentences.)
How the hell did I get covid 1.5 months after getting the BA.5 bivalent vaccine. Maybe should’ve gone with Moderna instead of Pfizer. It’s not that bad I promise. I did a test this morning because I was feeling a sore throat. It looked negative. I went to work and after-work stuff and when I got home, I looked and the test was very faintly positive. I think I fucked up, I really hope I didn’t spread it to coworkers. Feeling a lot of guilt right now.
To make myself actually post things into the ether, I will click publish as soon as I’m done. Not going to wait until later in the day to edit because then I might never actually publish. I don’t know why I care so much about publishing. Maybe I’d still do it even if I didn’t publish. I guess this helps me get over the fear of writing cringe. So when I want to actually write things for the public, I can do it without worry.
Maybe this is enough for now. Not sure. Most important is making sure I’m doing whatever to get the habit and do this more. I don’t care how much I write because the goal is not for anyone to read it. And you’re probably bored now.
I never had a Tumblr. Briefly had Google’s blog thing in middle school but probably wrote less than 10 posts. I can’t justify writing about personal things because what’s the point, but this is fun. Maybe someday I’ll think of more interesting things to write about. For now this is filling an itch that I used to get from posting on Twitter, which is nice. Really hope no one reads this. 🙃
Read this whole thing, extremely cringe, looking forward to more
Have the same problem and a solution may be a social network site where it’s all long form diary entries w circles of a few friends and tight privacy controls